Mafia Gazette Past Issue 159
The Mafia Gazette Issue 159 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Wednesday, 18th June 'EASTCOAST UPRISING ' By Daizee Mae and associates Monday morning saw Atlanta's usually calm streets run red with blood once again as The Conceptualists locked horns with the Bella Gente of Detroit, and for once, it wasn't The Conceptualists who took the first shot. It all began in a coffee shop, where BenjaminLinus, a Conceptualist Earner was doing a bit of stand-up comedy. One of his jokes centered on Donald_Lockwood, the head of the Bella Gente. The punch line had something to do with burying Lockwood later that day. Donald Lockwood, renowned leader of the group ’Bella Gente’ heard the rumor that BenjaminLinus and HugoJones had been planning to kill him for some time. This bit of information confirmed it for the up and coming leader. After a few cups of coffee, Donald left the coffee house and returned to his business in Detroit. Meanwhile in Atlanta in a preemptive attack, Allied, one of Bella Gente's Wise Guys woke from a restless sleep. It is believed that some message had been sent, as he immediately loaded up his pop gun and started firing at BenjaminLinus. Benjamin was more than able and returned fire, and after a drawn out battle was the victor. Donald Lockwood had remained silent during this whole battle, ignoring requests to call his Wise Guy off and soon boarded a flight to Atlanta and finished off BenjaminLinus. Mr. Lockwood killed Benjamin and HugoJones with little trouble and then rested for some time. Beppe and Charleston Charlie were in the city, but just watched on. Mr. Lockwood then attacked Flirtatious Diva, while The Concepts were trying to talk to Donald for seen as he himself was a concept. Donald did manage to kill a couple of of Diva’s bodyguards and injured Diva. Flirtatious_Diva, a very handsome lion, seeing a friend in trouble quickly ran to his aid in Atlanta, but was arrested for some charges and thrown in jail as soon as the plane landed. While serving a short sentence in the local jail, Miss Tiffany killed Diva with a shank during a small uprising. TychoHicks also appeared in the Atlanta jail and began shanking Flirtatious, and before long the jail cell was covered in blood. Upon hearing of the state of events, TrudgeSwagger flew into Atlanta and dealt a deadly blow to Donald_Lockwood, TychoHicks and his assistant Gold soon followed. Then Trudge attacked Mr. Lockwood after a long battle Mr. Lockwood was killed after losing some bodyguards in the last three fights. Unknown to anyone however, Miss_Tiffany had snuck into Atlanta and began shooting at Trudge, giving him a fatal heartache by appearing out of nowhere finishing off Trudge in the name of her dead lover. Tiffany then at the same time MrBlonde attacked LL-Cool-Face killed one of his bodyguards and then Cool Face ran away. TychoHicks also joined the fight earlier as was upset at the Concepts removing of the Allstars from NY to Miami, his father formally a concept believed enough was enough, how the concepts were acting was inexcusable. A lull in the battle followed as both sides sized each other up. Most of the Conceptualists had returned to New York to wait for the one woman attack, which soon came. Basic and CharlestonCharlie were guarding New York though, and together they were able to repel her, with Charlie taking the final shot. - Reprinted from Issue 120 - Editor’s note- After the displays at funerals, I felt this would be appropriate. - 'FUNERALS A DISGRACE ' In the past few weeks and months we have seen a startling upsurge in the number of funerals that have been gate crashed by those wishing to pay their last Disrespects to the deceased. Many mourners have complained about this treatment of the dead, and at least one person has been remanded in custody over a comment made. A recent case of funeral desecration was that of John_Milton, a Las Vegas Made Man who headed L’Union family. His killer, a Mr Valentine, spoke up at the funeral, saying that it was self-defence, and stating that Mr. Milton was “a dead man the very second he killed Bertone”. Is this a sentiment suitable for a funeral setting where the deceased’s family is trying to pay their last respects to someone? Several other people at the same funeral voiced their own disrespects while mourners were trying to retain the solemnity of the situation. In a related incident, another member of the group who openly disrespected Mr. Milton at his funeral had earlier been heard at the funeral of Mr. Milton’s own daughter, casting aspersions about the true identity of the girl being buried. One of the Administration team spoke to our reporter about this desecration of funerals and graveyards. Mother had this to say: “There’s a fair few people who just go to funerals to be rude an obnoxious. Now I’d hate to have to start taking action against such people, but with the rise in the instances, there may have to be considerable thought about whether a new law should be passed, if only to allow mourners the right to say their last goodbyes to loved ones in peace.” She went on to say, “People are free to speak in the streets if they want to say anything about the dead, or indeed the living, however it seems that most would prefer to confine themselves to ripping up wreaths and there have been instances of urination on coffins. This has to stop before we are forced to do something about it”. The question we have to ask is whether respect is something else that should be appearing in this newspaper’s obituary column, or whether people will be allowed to mourn in the peace they would like. If the administration decides to bring in new laws about public behavior, we at the Gazette will bring you the news first. 'CURRENT CITY CONDITIONS AND WARNINGS ' City to City By Serafina As of this printing, the following information has been obtained concerning the conditions in various cities around the nation. Wisdom can be sought in heeding these words of warning. The cities that are not listed have failed to contact the Gazette, so a word of caution to those making their traveling or business plans. New York - Due to extreme violence and revenge action, the entire city has been placed in a Lockdown state. For those unaware of what this means, let me enlighten you. Unless, one is part of the family or has gained special permission, no one will remain alive once arriving in the city. This state will remain until the leaders deem it fit to reopen the city. Detroit - The city appears to be open to travel and business. Although there a family struggling to make its presence known, it has not placed restrictions on normal business and travel. It is noted that an effort is underway to reduce the muggings and random violence. Dallas - With two families sharing the city, it appears to be a friendly, inviting atmosphere. Random violence is not appreciated, but mutual training exercises (mugging pacts) are acceptable. Anyone wishing to develop a following in the city limits is asked to consult the current family heads. Miami - At last check, this city was open to travelers and business people alike. The reigning family welcomes business as long as it is within specifications. The Gazette has been informed that anything unbecoming to the city be it actions or business will be dealt with accordingly. Atlanta - Currently, the city is open to business and traveling. There will be no random violence permitted and any young individual causing such disturbances will be dealt with accordingly. Likewise for those wishing to begin collecting people and strike out with a new group there is a zero tolerance Las Vegas - It appears that Sin City is still open to all travelers and business people. Progress is being made to reduce the incidences of random incidents within the city limits. Those wishing to start a gathering of their own are asked to do so elsewhere or prepare for circumstance. 'EDITORIAL SECTION ' MONSTER’S RANT Peace in the Air With the violence dying down between the Las Vegas and New York factions questions are beginning to stir. Such as 'will this last' (fat chance) and 'are they really going after peace or just running out of high ranking members to kill (likely). I took to the air well mostly I stayed on the trains (I work for the paper you know I got to try to make some extra cash) to try and find out. I started in Detroit with a young man of an old blood line by the name of Dirty Bert I posed to him the question I planned on posing to several other people. Do you think the current lull in killing is indicative of the beginning of a lasting peace or are the boys from east and west just running out of high rankers to kill..? This is what he had to say... Dirty Bert: I wouldn't even call it a "lull in killing" at this point. It's premature to declare a state of peace until not only a significant period of time passes with no conflicts, but also a mutual understanding is reached by the two parties. Even with no killing taking place, quiet tension is not peace. It's sort of like a "cold war". My next stop was Miami and a prominent member of the Miami All Stars. After I posed my question he had this to say... Bob the Leg Breaker (Don't these Mafioso have the most colorful names): The way I see it is a war is just a series of battles, some one some lost. I am hoping for peace for some time. But that depends on the people in charge. All it takes is for one person to run their mouth off and it is right back to where it started. After leaving Miami I headed to Chicago mostly to have a drink with some friends I hadn't seen in a wile whilst on the papers dime, but as luck would have it I seen the infamous John Milton walking about and chased him down to pose my question after careful consideration Milton had this to say.... John Milton: I think East vs. West is a convenient rivalry. It gives everyone something familiar to place their trust in. People don't like change, even if it's for the better. I generally find the majority slow to trust, and quick to judge, so it doesn't take long for them to almost invent reasons why they should be at war. Something they would overlook completely if done by an ally becomes a major issue when done by an old adversary. When all is said and done, as long as one or two people want a war to continue, it will. After I left Chicago well was carried to the airport by my mates as I was a bit too drunk to walk I went back to LA to rest, but it seems a reporters work is never done. I ran into Satriale on my way into my house and slurred my question to him. His answer was short and to the point when asked if it was a peace or just a lull due to the shortage of high rankers... Satriale: I would say the latter... After his statement he showed me a letter he had received which seems to back up his point..I've removed the mans name but that is all that has changed.. From: Sent: 2008-06-03 22:20 the whole west our bitches anyways probably you too After talking to Satriale I headed north a bit and spoke to Jack Bambino he had this to say JackBambino:: I'd say the latter. (these guys must read the same books) After talking to Bambino I headed back east to New York to talk to the man who had sent the letter, but seeing as he was lying in a casket he declined to answer questions no matter New York is a busy city I was bound to find someone to answer questions. Shortly I ran into MrSabbath, and put my question to him he had this to say... MrSabbath: I believe there never will be a long peace; therefore it’s calm before yet another storm curiously of "a drough of high rankers to kill on both sides". Well after long and intensive work I decided this was enough to squeak by Daizee's high standards and make my business expenses seem worth it (scratches bourbon off of a receipt and writes in ink and paper) I have come to a simple conclusion that all of you probably came to before you even started reading this. War is on peace is a myth to us from the west and the east that we read about in fancy books. I don't believe peace actually exists someone just made it up and unless I hear anything different I'll keep on thinking it. There are words being bandied about, but unless I see something actually happen I won’t believe it. Will East and West ever go past just words? Will they ever actually DO something to effect peace....I doubt it, but if something does happen you will be the first to know my newly faithful readers (well I'll know before you and so will Daizee, but you get the picture)... 'BUSINESS REVIEWS ' By Serafina The Corner House located in Chicago has recently opened to the public. The small surrounding doesn’t even effect the business in any way. The tables and bar are kept clean as is the mirrors and metal trim. Soft music floats on the air like a down feather providing just the correct ambiance for either a quiet evening with a lady or a good place to discuss business. The aroma of the chef’s specialties tease the senses. All of the good brought out was not only pleasant to the eye, but a delight to the palate. The prices are competitive with the nicer places in the city and well worth it at double the money. So, when in Chicago, check out The Corner House owned and operated by, Shinigami. 19:52, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:52, February 17, 2013 (UTC)~~ Luigi's Hangout is located in Chicago and has been open for some . Upon entering the establishment, the interior comes alive with the laughter, challenges, and the bell on the register marking a good evening. The patrons are promptly waited on and the owner goes out of his was to be obliging to his customers’ tastes. The seating plan chosen was with not only business in mine, but, also, the privacy of the customers. Aside from the bar, there are tables and chairs along with several sofa booths. This would be one of the places that shouldn’t be missed while seeing the nightlife in Chicago. 19:52, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:52, February 17, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) Most recently, Capone's has opened its doors to the public in the windy city. Walking through the neighborhood, it was nice to see all the trees trimmed neatly and flowerboxes brightening up the sidewalk. Upon entering the inner sanctum, the mode of relaxations flows over like a small stream trickling along. The lovely fireplace in the middle of the room provided just the right ambiance for a several course meal. The menu for both food and liquor is extensive and continually growing. Should you be in Chicago, it is highly recommended that you drop by and at least enjoy a bottle of vino 'WENMER’S JOKE CORNER ' A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas attendant spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo." "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach." 19:52, February 17, 2013 (UTC) There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog." And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate." The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair." The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half. So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!" 19:52, February 17, 2013 (UTC) An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful." 'CLASSIFIEDS/ANNOUNCEMENTS ' It is free to advertise here. Just mail Daizee-Mae with your advert, for it to be included in the next edition. Chicago Bank and Trust Co. Currently offering depositors excellent insurance on their deposits. All depositors receive a special key to allow future generations to make use of the funds. To learn more about this business, contact Daizee Mae either at the Gazette or The Underground. Hice19 (talk) Sandy's Racing Program Sandy's racing program's now available for a limited time. Let Sandy help you bring home the bacon. The home of the no win no pay. If you don’t win you don’t pay. Ask about our free weekend program. Hice19 (talk) After a long, hard day, wouldn’t it be lovely to just sit back and relax? Are you looking for a quiet place to take friends or business associates? When in Chicago, go no further than The Underground. Founded by Daizee Mae, it is located on the lower levels of her office builsding. The small, but cozy establishment is prepared to attend to all of your cocktail needs. Hice19 (talk) 19:52, February 17, 2013 (UTC) The Mafia Gazette is now recruiting! Think you could handle a career in professional journalism? Contact Daizee-Mae for further details or drop by the head office in Chicago.